Abu Musab al-Zarqawi needs volunteers
A man in the Middle East needs your help making the world a better place.
The most wanted man in Iraq, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, released a rare video of himself yesterday, proving to the world that he is alive and still playing an active part in the insurgency he helped to create.
Looking composed in black clothes and green combat webbing, the Jordanian head of al-Qaeda in Iraq, was seen in his desert hideout posing with a captured US machinegun and planning tactics with followers, whose faces were hidden by black masks. â€œAmerica has realised today that its tanks, armies and Shia agents will not be able to end the battle with the Mujahidin [fighters],â€ he said, referring to the newly-formed Government in Baghdad.
Most of us have, in our mind’s eye, a vision of various things that would make the world better. Abu Musab al-Zarqawi is no exception. And he’ll murder anyone who disagrees or just happens to be in the way. If that sounds like a winning plan to you, then buy a one way ticket to Jordan. From there, it’s just a short car ride across the border into Iraq, where you should have no problem joining the insurgency.
There will be sacrifices.
Here are some things you’ll be giving up:
- Rational discussions of any issues – it’s Musab’s way or the shallow grave for you now that you’ve arrived
- Medical care (including dental) – it’s spotty at best
- Heat in winter/Cooling in summer – it gets pretty hot here and shorts are frowned on
- Access to most consumer goods you take for granted – pirated movies are easy to get but the electricity is pretty spotty
- Easy access to potable water – bring a lifetime supply of Immodium
- Daily bathing
- Religious freedom (you better learn your Qur’an before heading over)
- Sex (except within very stringent guidelines, see the holy book mentioned above)
- Freedom of speech (whine at your own peril)
- Your home and any automobiles you own
- 11 years off your expected lifespan, assuming you don’t meet a violent end shortly after arriving and being mistaken for an infidel
- Alcohol is frowned on by Islamic zealots, although they will probably allow you to get high at least one time if you volunteer for a suicide mission
- If you’re female, learn to obey men without question
Here’s what you’ll gain:
- The satisfaction of a glorious afterlife including an abundant supply of virgins*
*No money back gaurentee, females not included in offer
Me, I’m sticking with President Bush and his right hand man Rumsfeld for the time being. They may not be perfect, but they’re not likely to cut off my head or blow up my house over disagreements we may have.