Date the strand, with VicPride
Llike: Shiny things (but she’ll marry you with paper rings)
Do not like : Your little games, your inclined stage
Default mood: Happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time
Language of love: Taylor Swift song lyrics
The confession they will make: “After all I have to confess, I need you.”
President of Vic Pride
We usually find: In the bog
Favorite weapon: Statistics Handbook. Perfect weight to swing and she can also read it to inflict emotional damage!
What gift will catch their attention: Cheese! Cheese! Cheese!
The confession they will make: “I don’t really like cheese”
The romance ends: With death, tragedy and a musical number
VicPride Executive Assistant
Love: Their dog, the books, the piano, the moths.
Favorite weapon: Which is closer, or a giant key
Language of love: Acts of service
Romantic tropic: That mysterious, quiet guy you can’t get near
Storyline plot twist: Was actually just looking for a trustworthy dog sitter
Default mood: Unconscious
secret power: Don’t know what’s going on
We usually find: Staring aimlessly at the wall
What gift will catch their attention: Pride and Prejudice (1995) DVD set
The confession they will make: “I have a birthmark shaped like the British Isles on my right calf.”
Illustrator, Distribution Manager, Assistant Social Media Manager
Default mood: joyful disturbing
secret power: Transforms into a mermaid when her legs touch the water
Favorite weapon: Sex toy: a blow on the head and you’re done
Romantic tropic: The trope we-only-have-one-double-bed-what-are-we-gonna-do
How long will it take to get into their hearts: If you can say his name on the first try, no time at all
Co-News Editor, Unraveled Editor
Romantic tropic: House for the holidays, Hallmark style
How long will it take to get into their hearts: She’s way too busy working to let anyone in… oh wait, that’s your great grandma’s apple pie recipe??
The confession they will make: “I hate the big city and I want to stay here with you!!”
Storyline plot twist: She was investigating corruption in this town to bring down your family
The romance ends: With her ruining your life with such skill and grace that you remain obsessed with her
Associate Arts and Culture Editor
Love: Craig’s Cookies
Red flag: The fact that he redeemed his 200 Craig’s Cookies points…
What gift will catch their attention: Craig’s Dark Chocolate Chip Cookie
The confession they will make: “You will always be second to Craig’s.”
Storyline plot twist: Craig’s Cookies closes. You become his priority.
Love: NYT crossword, Wordle, CATS, hike, make Pinterest trip boards to avoid his real life
Do not like : When the NYT the crossword is too hard, when she has to face her real life
Default mood: Existential
secret power: If we told you, it wouldn’t be a secret – nice try!
Favorite weapon: psychological mutilation
Do not like : Men who call their friends without irony “the boys”, the military-industrial complex, the salad (especially with vinegar), their high school experience, the strong-smelling candles
Default mood: healthy cynical 🙂
We usually find: Sneaking around stacks of Robarts, watching passers-by while standing in dark hallways 👁️👁️
Romantic tropic: hero x villain 👀
How long will it take to get into their hearts: They would love to see you try 🙂 (This is entirely an invitation to try)
Love: The outdoors, crime podcasts, not having repetitive strain injuries
Do not like : Trash, men talked about in crime podcasts, repetitive strain injuries
Favorite weapon: canoe paddle
The confession they will make: “I once was at a family reunion as a kid and we rented a dorm floor. In the common room of the dorm there was a microwave that had a little sticky note that said ‘don’t Don’t microwave popcorn on the popcorn setting”. Everything you guessed that happened next is correct. Less than two minutes later, a small fire started. Who would have known!? I’m sorry, A FIRE? No smoke, just a pop and suddenly my bag of popcorn was on fire. Speak without warning. I did what anyone would have done in my situation: I pretended it wasn’t my problem and left the room to play on my cousin’s DS By the time my family found the source of the smoke half the kitchen had melted and they ended up paying thousands of dollars in repairs. I blamed my cousin. He was so distraught after being lectured that he didn’t even notice I had him. brought home that year. He is 30 years old and we still persecute him for it but he denies it. However, last Christmas, aged 31, he broke down crying and admitted it was him and our whole family started cooing, patting his head and serving him extra dessert. Talk about an attention seeker and a liar!
Storyline plot twist: They are a bustling conglomeration of trash that people have left in national parks. They lied about the family reunion! They’ve never had a family before, and they haven’t wanted one either…but you…you make them rethink that.
We usually find: Wait for the kettle to boil
Red flag: Wear animal socks
Language of love: latin pig
What gift will catch their attention: Flowers… uh
The romance ends: When she can no longer fit you into her schedule!!!!
VicPride Executive Assistant
Do not like : outlook notification sound, tomatoes, adam sandler, essays worth 40% of course grade
secret power: Immortal until proven otherwise
Red flag: Eat olives from the jar
How long will it take to get into their hearts: 3-4 working months
The confession they will make: “I have no idea what Wordle is, and at this point I’m too scared to ask.”
secret power: Has opinions about things you’ve never heard of in your life
We usually find: In his bed or at Gerstein’s
Red flag: Won’t message you first. Will you ghost.
Romantic tropic: Friends to lovers
How long will it take to get into their hearts: At least one year
Deputy News Editor
secret power: Write essays on books she hasn’t finished reading
Favorite weapon: Words
Red flag: Constantly brewing cups of tea, she’ll never end
What gift will catch their attention: Tulips!
How long will it take to get into their hearts: When her cats love you, so does she.
Associate Opinion Editor
secret power: Predict who will win at the Oscars
Favorite weapon: Pumps
Language of love: “Money
How long will it take to get into their hearts: two minutes and 37 seconds
The romance ends: She accidentally takes three months to respond to one of your text messages and you decide you’ve finally had enough💔
Do not like : More crisps?
Default mood: Gaseous 🙁
secret power: Very polite
What gift will catch their attention: You have absolutely nothing to give him. For real, she doesn’t even want anything, we swear! Don’t bring him anything! Wait, are you really not going to bring him anything?
The confession they will make: “That smell? It was me. I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry!”
Default mood: Suction
Red flag: Follow @on_a_downward_spiral. Need we say more?
Language of love: Meticulously re-read her writings and congratulate her on it
How long will it take to get into their hearts: If you try, you’re probably already there.
The confession they will make: “I’ve already searched your name and found your Prezi slides from college. I’m not a stalker, just thorough!
Love: The rush to submit something at 11:59 p.m.
Do not like : The offset which means the file has not been downloaded and it is 00:01
Red flag: the anarchist
Storyline plot twist: They break the fourth wall. (Hey, thanks for reading all that…or did you just scroll down?) It’s only a little uncomfortable.
The romance ends: Suddenly. Seriously, was that it? It seems that the developers did not have time to complete this route. (Organize game developers.)
Illustrated by Seavey van Walsum.